When directed to "imagine a place ..." i always think of the same thing.
i imagine a small clearing in a deep forest with soft grass and afternoon sunlight dappling through the trees. It has a quiet little stream and i hear the sounds of the forest: leaves rustling, once in a while the sound of a small bird, water burbling over rocks. Sunlight sparkles on the water in that wistful way that comes before dusk begins. The sky has only a few small clouds, moving lazily by. This is the place that little 'i' live in. i live here alone but it's not a sad kind of alone. It's a comforting kind of alone. i'm strong here and i don't think about anything, just watch the stream and the clouds and rest. i don't hurt here, i feel nothing more than the grass and the breeze. i just ... relax. This is the place i go to get away from the big world and live in my own.
i feel much better now, only a little melancholy and wistful. Maybe i'll try "imagining a place" and see if i can relax enough to sleep tonight. It's a little lonely sleeping by myself and the only time i sleep restfully is when Eugene is next to me, but i have a really, really nice mattress that i treated myself to after sleeping on a terrible one for several years. Everyone should have a mattress they love as much as i love this one! At least when i'm not sleeping, i can be comfortable. Except that the metal one-size-fits-all bed frame squeaks. That's got to be on my current list of top 10 things that get on my nerves.
Off to kiss Quinn's little head while she sleeps, puncture my foot on some random toy piece that's left lying on the floor, stumble my way to bed, and collapse on my wonderful mattress. If only i wasn't to sleepy to make myself a nice cup of tea. That's another thing i love. The smell of Jasmine Dragon Phoenix Pearls tea from Teavana. Mmmm. Once in a while i'll make a cup more to inhale than to drink. Maybe i'm not too tired for just one cup of tea.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
little 'i' - a long beginning
The purpose is to have a place where i can really be me. Little 'i' for the little me within that no one sees. A place where i can spill out whatever i'm thinking and feeling at that moment.
Tonight i'm feeling a little small and a little lost. Maybe because i'm overstressed and overtired. Being tired makes me moody. i get cranky and my feelings are easily hurt over small things. I brood.
i'm like a little juggler and i'm a pretty good little juggler, too. But it seems like there are a lot more balls than usual and more keep being thrown in and i'm not that good a little juggler so i'm starting to sweat and get anxious and i don't know if or which ball is going to drop first and if i drop one, will i drop another? Will i drop them all?
i recognize in myself that i may have addictive tendencies. Alcoholism and depression run in my family. Sometimes, in trying to make sure i haven't gotten into any addictive cycles, i overanalyze a situation until i'm absolutely certain that my behavior is within normal parameters. i don't know what to do with stress, so i bottle it up and it becomes physical pain from muscles being tensed and joints being compressed. i don't have stress-avoidance vices like overeating or smoking or drinking or shopping. i don't know how to escape my stress. i don't know what to do to relieve it. Because when it all builds up, i can't see the forest for the trees, the small issues from the big ones. i just ignore the stress, pretend i don't know it's there, and avoid dealing with it. But it hurts. i don't want to sound like a big complainer, trust me i'll get into how much i hate those people, but sometimes it's like a dull ache from head to toe. i know i'm relatively healthy. i just don't know how to alleviate the stress. Exercise didn't help with the stress - or with my lifelong struggle with insomnia. And i can't afford a daily massage, but wouldn't that be wonderful! Oh, i close my eyes and imagine. i wish i had a better imagination ... it just might do the trick!
i foresee a lot of griping happening in this blog, but maybe it's my current melancholy mood. i have a lot of good things to ramble on about, too.
Here are some things that little 'i' would like to just spill out of myself and get off of my little chest.
... i lost my best friend on Superbowl Sunday, 2002. Quinn was almost two years old. My mom drank herself into a stupor and, with a blood alcohol level its amazing didn't kill her, managed to fall on the back of her head and cause some pretty serious damage. Although she fell on the back of her head and fractured her skull, most of the damage is to the frontal lobe of her brain. As in shaken baby syndrome, her brain bounced off the back of her skull and into the front. The small damage was two black eyes and her loss of her senses of taste and smell, which was caused in the middle of her brain as the tissue compressed together. The biggest damage was to her personality. What was is no more and will never be. i miss my mother, my mom, my mommy, and my best friend. It's hard to see my typing through my tears ... i miss the person who i confided in and who gave me sage advice and supported me no matter what. i'm resentful that my mom did something so selfish and stupid. And i don't like the person very much who replaced her. This childish person whose mother i feel like i have to be sometimes, this person i worry about leaving Quinn with because she doesn't pay enough attention and Quinn could get lost or hurt or worse. This whiny person who always cries, "I hate my life," and lives in a constant state of woe-is-me and make-me-feel-better.
... i'm an ugly mother myself. i'm overly critical and i have very little patience. i think of Quinn fondly when she's not with me but when we're together she gets on my nerves more often than not. She's a sweet little girl and i'm going to give her a complex. i don't know how to turn myself into the mother i used to be and ought to be and must be. i need to find help to be what Quinn needs before it's too late. i used to be that person ... i don't know what happened. Stress, i think. From dealing with my mom and issues at work and all of these things that are piling on me like a heap of bricks. And i take it out on poor little Quinn. i won't say she's entirely innocent, she's terrible at following simple directions which is one of my major frustrations because i can't figure out why not, but i have far less patience than i should. i will say, Quinn is much better behaved than most kids i see. She doesn't shout or throw tantrums or run screaming down a hallway or a street. She's not noisy and generally doesn't embarrass me in public. i want to be the mother i used to be but i keep finding myself being the ugly person i've turned into.
... i have a wonderful boyfriend i don't deserve and who doesn't deserve me. i got him a cute poster that says, "You were meant for me. Possibly as a punishment." Which goes both ways; we torment each other, i know, but it's all in good sport. He knows me better than anyone else. And i learned recently that he loves me more than i thought he did. i was admitting a failing, money management, which i was sure would earn me a lecture and his disapproval. But instead, he told me that it's okay and everyone makes mistakes and we'll get through it. And right then, i realized that i was lost when i didn't have to be. He's not strong physically, but he always holds me up when i find myself weak. i like to think i'm very strong ... but when the going gets tough and i feel lost, he's always there to make things seem less terrible and it's good to know i'm not in it alone. One of my favorite things he does is to use the word 'we.' i doubt he knows what a powerful word that is. i also really like it when he includes Quinn in the 'we.' She needs him as much as i do and i know he's made a world of difference in her life. It's nice to be with someone who also makes the assumption that whatever it is that's being done in the future, it's being done together.
My daughter and my boyfriend are the two people in the world i love the most. Quinn, because it's her birthright and i'm so lucky to have gotten such a wonderful, smart, sweet little girl and because she gives me reasons when i don't have my own. Eugene, because he knows me best and loves me anyway and because he's made such a difference in Quinn's and my lives in just a little over two years.
... Random things about me. i'm a perfectionist, a bit of a control freak, and i hate (hate, hate, hate!) to be cold. i love pink, but i hated it as a kid. my favorite color used to be green. i love hands, but i don't like feet. Mostly other people's, i think mine are nice enough and i keep them pedicured and neat. i like the smell of horses and of the forest in the Northwest after the rain and sourdough bread baking and gardenias and clean babies and Eugene and pumpkin pie. i love cats but hate cat boxes. i love dogs but hate puppy breath. i love to decorate but hate to clean.
And this is the end of the beginning of the introduction to little me.
Tonight i'm feeling a little small and a little lost. Maybe because i'm overstressed and overtired. Being tired makes me moody. i get cranky and my feelings are easily hurt over small things. I brood.
i'm like a little juggler and i'm a pretty good little juggler, too. But it seems like there are a lot more balls than usual and more keep being thrown in and i'm not that good a little juggler so i'm starting to sweat and get anxious and i don't know if or which ball is going to drop first and if i drop one, will i drop another? Will i drop them all?
i recognize in myself that i may have addictive tendencies. Alcoholism and depression run in my family. Sometimes, in trying to make sure i haven't gotten into any addictive cycles, i overanalyze a situation until i'm absolutely certain that my behavior is within normal parameters. i don't know what to do with stress, so i bottle it up and it becomes physical pain from muscles being tensed and joints being compressed. i don't have stress-avoidance vices like overeating or smoking or drinking or shopping. i don't know how to escape my stress. i don't know what to do to relieve it. Because when it all builds up, i can't see the forest for the trees, the small issues from the big ones. i just ignore the stress, pretend i don't know it's there, and avoid dealing with it. But it hurts. i don't want to sound like a big complainer, trust me i'll get into how much i hate those people, but sometimes it's like a dull ache from head to toe. i know i'm relatively healthy. i just don't know how to alleviate the stress. Exercise didn't help with the stress - or with my lifelong struggle with insomnia. And i can't afford a daily massage, but wouldn't that be wonderful! Oh, i close my eyes and imagine. i wish i had a better imagination ... it just might do the trick!
i foresee a lot of griping happening in this blog, but maybe it's my current melancholy mood. i have a lot of good things to ramble on about, too.
Here are some things that little 'i' would like to just spill out of myself and get off of my little chest.
... i lost my best friend on Superbowl Sunday, 2002. Quinn was almost two years old. My mom drank herself into a stupor and, with a blood alcohol level its amazing didn't kill her, managed to fall on the back of her head and cause some pretty serious damage. Although she fell on the back of her head and fractured her skull, most of the damage is to the frontal lobe of her brain. As in shaken baby syndrome, her brain bounced off the back of her skull and into the front. The small damage was two black eyes and her loss of her senses of taste and smell, which was caused in the middle of her brain as the tissue compressed together. The biggest damage was to her personality. What was is no more and will never be. i miss my mother, my mom, my mommy, and my best friend. It's hard to see my typing through my tears ... i miss the person who i confided in and who gave me sage advice and supported me no matter what. i'm resentful that my mom did something so selfish and stupid. And i don't like the person very much who replaced her. This childish person whose mother i feel like i have to be sometimes, this person i worry about leaving Quinn with because she doesn't pay enough attention and Quinn could get lost or hurt or worse. This whiny person who always cries, "I hate my life," and lives in a constant state of woe-is-me and make-me-feel-better.
... i'm an ugly mother myself. i'm overly critical and i have very little patience. i think of Quinn fondly when she's not with me but when we're together she gets on my nerves more often than not. She's a sweet little girl and i'm going to give her a complex. i don't know how to turn myself into the mother i used to be and ought to be and must be. i need to find help to be what Quinn needs before it's too late. i used to be that person ... i don't know what happened. Stress, i think. From dealing with my mom and issues at work and all of these things that are piling on me like a heap of bricks. And i take it out on poor little Quinn. i won't say she's entirely innocent, she's terrible at following simple directions which is one of my major frustrations because i can't figure out why not, but i have far less patience than i should. i will say, Quinn is much better behaved than most kids i see. She doesn't shout or throw tantrums or run screaming down a hallway or a street. She's not noisy and generally doesn't embarrass me in public. i want to be the mother i used to be but i keep finding myself being the ugly person i've turned into.
... i have a wonderful boyfriend i don't deserve and who doesn't deserve me. i got him a cute poster that says, "You were meant for me. Possibly as a punishment." Which goes both ways; we torment each other, i know, but it's all in good sport. He knows me better than anyone else. And i learned recently that he loves me more than i thought he did. i was admitting a failing, money management, which i was sure would earn me a lecture and his disapproval. But instead, he told me that it's okay and everyone makes mistakes and we'll get through it. And right then, i realized that i was lost when i didn't have to be. He's not strong physically, but he always holds me up when i find myself weak. i like to think i'm very strong ... but when the going gets tough and i feel lost, he's always there to make things seem less terrible and it's good to know i'm not in it alone. One of my favorite things he does is to use the word 'we.' i doubt he knows what a powerful word that is. i also really like it when he includes Quinn in the 'we.' She needs him as much as i do and i know he's made a world of difference in her life. It's nice to be with someone who also makes the assumption that whatever it is that's being done in the future, it's being done together.
My daughter and my boyfriend are the two people in the world i love the most. Quinn, because it's her birthright and i'm so lucky to have gotten such a wonderful, smart, sweet little girl and because she gives me reasons when i don't have my own. Eugene, because he knows me best and loves me anyway and because he's made such a difference in Quinn's and my lives in just a little over two years.
... Random things about me. i'm a perfectionist, a bit of a control freak, and i hate (hate, hate, hate!) to be cold. i love pink, but i hated it as a kid. my favorite color used to be green. i love hands, but i don't like feet. Mostly other people's, i think mine are nice enough and i keep them pedicured and neat. i like the smell of horses and of the forest in the Northwest after the rain and sourdough bread baking and gardenias and clean babies and Eugene and pumpkin pie. i love cats but hate cat boxes. i love dogs but hate puppy breath. i love to decorate but hate to clean.
And this is the end of the beginning of the introduction to little me.
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